Little did I know

...As I put him in his car seat at the hospital how he would change my heart. I thought I was in this to help other people, but I think I've grown and changed more then anybody. They say there is no love like that of a mothers love, but he has taught me that there is a love that runs even deeper, a perfectly pure, selfless Love. As I tucked that little blanket over him for the very first time I had no idea that soon I would begin learning I couldn't both be full of fear and full of love, that I would have to choose one. Over the next year in a half he would have two hospital stays, one surgery, 100 medical appointments, he would teeth without putting a single thing in his mouth-not even his fingers, he wouldn't learn to roll over until after he turned one, and the list goes on... At times I would be so overwhelmed with fear for his future my legs would refuse to hold me. I would have to choose to say yes to loving not just him, but everybody involved or give into my fears for this sweet little heart. In these times I would cry out to God, remember Hannah of the Bible, and be encouraged by friends who often had no idea my heart was hurting. This boy, my boy, didn't need my fear he needed my love. I would snuggle him close, breathe deep and actively choose to set aside my fears...In a few short days, some of those fears I worked so hard to set aside will be gone forever. In a few short days he will be legally mine. I won't have to report bumps and bruises, or record every doctor appointment, or get permission to see a specialist or to take him on vacation, in a few days the government will see him as my heart already does, as one of my boys...(1 John 4:18, 1 Samuel 1-2:11, 3:1)